


Failed Standup Memo.M4A

by witchesdiner



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: AU, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9314036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesdiner/pseuds/witchesdiner
Summary: AU where Sarah Lynn is the one who lives and she attempts to process the trauma of Bojack’s death by making it into a comedy routine. Warning for death, profanity, and gendered slurs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Carrie Fisher's amazing memoir Wishful Drinking, which is a must watch/read. 
> 
> Having written Mabel for years now, so the voice came easy, but the content was... different? I don't claim to have Sarah Lynn's character down completely, but this was super fun to write. Also sad........

“You ever wake up and the person next to you is dead? Like dead? Completely dead? Anyone? Raise your hands, guys.

“That is, like, wayyyy less hands than when I threw that candy bra at you guys.

 

"So more of you wanna eat something that touched my BOOBS (note to self: buy a bra and never, ever let it touch your boobs, future Sarah Lynn. Never.) um, wait, yeah, more of you want that than have woken up to find the ruins of another living thing that used to breathe and yell at tv with you and steal your drugs?

"Yeah, didn’t think so. That kinda junk only happens in Faulkner novels and sad, sad Hallmark movies.

"It’s kinda gross. Almost as gross as that guy over there eating my BOOB SWEAT CANDY, Jesus, what a FREAK!

"Anyway, did you know everybody that dies poops? I did, like theoretically, but I was not ready for the practical. (Pause for laugh. You’ve earned it, girl.)

"Like, I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t know what to do. He was a big guy and there was a lot of shit! Literal shit and, like, throat-clogging awful metaphorical shit.

Alright. So. My talents are pretending to be a really dumb kid, letting people call me a slut on twitter without blocking them (You are WEL-COME, America), and pretending to listen to people. And you know which one of them came into play?

”(Note: pause for someone in the audience to say “none.”)

“Was that ‘none,’ sir? Well, you’re wrong!

"It was pretending to listen. I just sit there, bobbing like one of those ugly Sarah Lynn bobble heads that, between you and me, aren’t worth it but I’m required to say they’re in the lobby so do whatever you want with THAT information.

"So, I call the EMTs and say ‘yeah’ like a girl stuck at a bad date at Starbucks and he won’t stop talking about Fight Club and she looks at the barista and sighs thinking 'the dried flowers hanging from this ceiling are tacky and the chalkboard is 15 degrees off.’ You know? Like that?

"Yeah, so I said 'yeah’ a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Anyway… Did you know that there’s a program where you can design a funeral?! You just drag and drop in things you want. Kinda like a blueprint?

"Anyway, if you’re rich enough, the customizability is insane.

"So, I immediately started designing my own.

"Yeah, yeah, my friend and longtime coworker is dead and I make this grim Pixar shit for me. Boo, I suck. Selfish bitch, booooo.

"Of course I did. My life’s about me and the only thing that’s not about me is gonna be my funeral, which is, scientifically speaking, bullshit.

"My CG simulated funeral… It was really beautiful, guys. It’s, like, some Viking shit. These large beautiful men are gonna carve this hugeass boat and there’s gonna be flowers and fire and fireworks and my ghost is gonna appear in the sky and fist pump but none of you will see that so it’ll be very profound and tragic for you, super rad for me.

"And you heard right!! I’m gonna invite all of you. Except you over there, chomping on my boob sweat. That’s the closest you’re getting. And I’m already thinking about a restraining order.

"But Sarah Lynn, why aren’t you talking about that juicy horse steak celebrity death? What happened? What were you doing? Was it because of your drugs? Did you pull him down, Sarah Lynn? He was getting better- he was going to be the next Robert Downey Jr., and you fucking killed him.

"I wanna know about every detail, I wanna see the pores in your face and the dirt in the carpet. I want the only HD episode of Horsin’ Around.

"You don’t get it, okay? You don’t get to rip this shit off some skeevy site in 1080p!! It’s my life, dumb shits!!!

"Ughhhh, this isn’t funny,” Sarah Lynn sighed, double tapping the round red button in the middle of her phone. “It’s shit.”

 


End file.
